Monday, February 14, 2011

Oh, February!!

         The transition in the weather always unsettles to the extent that everything seems so unsure-even the ‘earth beneath the feet’. I cannot think of clutching of roots or branches growing. The imminent ‘change’ like the coming events casting their shadows before can be felt in the air and felt along the heart. The fragrance in the air becomes conspicuously different, the gait of early morning breeze becomes unsteady, unexpected drizzle adds fuel to ‘ its different ’ texture of the dawn or the dusk.

Decades ago the approaching March or October would dread but significantly over the years that scene has shifted to January ending or February beginning or November end or December beginning (global warming!). What has not changed with age ever since adolescence is the association of transitional phase of weather with people and relations we grow up with. During the phase, all the dilemmas we read about in literature like ‘two roads diverging in a yellow wood’ or ‘good fences make good neighbors’ or ‘something there is that does not love a wall’ stare on the face like the famous ‘to be or not to be’!!

With all the huallagulla of Valentine’s Day round the corner and romance- in- the- air, as they say, I have not been prepared (caught unawares as always!) for yet another change (have I not had enough, my God?) and  (please don’t blame me!!) naturally I find myself squirming with discomfiture. No, I have not questioned God (hardly know Him!) about the why of it nor muttered my resentment. My own silence is disturbing as it is not matching the storm within. Definitely ‘I am not prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be’ but then this, too,  is true that I have always been nagged by ‘And then how should I begin?’ with the comforting carpet of warmth having been sort- of –removed from under my feet, the protective glance having been shifted leaving me dithered.

Haven’t I seen it all already? Haven’t I learnt to protect or shield myself from the overwhelming pain? Hasn’t my intuition seen it coming and how come I would one-fine-day-find myself left in the cold despite the Basant? Every time it comes, it diminishes me to the extent I feel nothing-can –hurt-me-anymore.

Huh, resilience? Hardly!!  Pure and simple ‘dheethaee’ to go on despite come-what-may and over and above keep ismiling till the temples ache. ‘Accepting challenges of time?’  Oh, no. Have already grown too old to do that. ‘Wanna prove the mettle?’ Come on, its all grayed now. Then must be fearful of the ‘heat of the sun’ or ‘winter’s furious rages’ ? I really do not know what makes it all go on despite the pain that seems to tear me apart; I really do not know what moves me through all the testing times; I really do not know how do I survive all the hopelessness, nagging negativity and jeopardized my never-say-die spirit of whom I have been so proud a partner.

Suddenly, it has started drizzling assuaging my dizziness due to transitional dark before rising of the morning sun. The show must go on, after all. Oh February, you have given me so much that I can hardly thank you for everything. Most of all you have introduced me to my that self whom I hadn’t known existed. 

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